How to define Badass
by PeachySmoothies
Summary: This is a story about a teenager who thinks he is mega Badass, and he is teaching the world how to be just like him. WARNING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND MILD SEX REFERENCES. Hope you enjoy :D PeachySmoothies
1. Introduction Must read!

How to define Badass.

Badass. Are you badass? If you said yes, then you are a snobby prick. You said no, your lucky I still like you. But don't get too excited. I am Badass. I am the most Badass bastards of the whole world. Yeah, I am an arrogant, bitchy, little shit. Who doesn't give a fuck about what you think. Still reading? Then you got patience. I usually tune out and fall asleep on the second word of the book. If you want to learn about being Badass, then you have come to the right place. I know everything there is to know about being Badass, been there, done that. STILL LIVING IT BITCH! I would say "excuse my language" but I'm not. I don't give a fuck about what you think. See this face here - -.- - This is how much I give a fuck about you. Get that into your dumbass brain.

There are 10 sacred rules to being Badass. I know them. I made them. What about you? Do you know the secret to being this awesome? Didn't think so. Listen up, you now my Bitch. Listen to the following rules to become your own God. You own boss. Your own parents. Being anything you want to be. That only comes to the best my friends. To be the best, you gotta act like the best. Be prepared for a world of pain. Unless you're a pussy?


	2. Rule 1: Have a way with the ladies

Rule 1: Have a way with the ladies.

This is the first of my 10 rules to being Badass. Basically, if you are some pussy who has never had someone go down on you. Then don't even bother trying to follow the rules, as you will make a complete dick out of yourself, which I will laugh at. I don't think I have introduced myself properly, I know your expecting a mega kickass name, but I got an oridinary name. I am Jack Joshua Hugo Smith. You call me that and I will punch you so hard you eyeballs will fall out of your ass. Got it? You can call me Neo, I won't explain in detail now, but its a name thats stuck. Now back to my rules.

I have many cheesy pick up lines for you to try, but if you used them, all my work would be wasted. They are crap. NO USING CHEESY PICK UP LINES! For example:

Me: Hey babes, Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Girl: Eww gross.

As if you did this...

Me: Oi, fricking hot chick. Me, you, the skatepark at 4. Be there for some loving.

Girl: Oh sure! -blushes-

See what I mean? Now there could be some flaws in that plan. Obviously, you wanna try and hit on a dumb, popular, hot chick with big tits and great hair. They are used to being treated like this, and find it MEGA SEXY! Plus, if it doesn't work out, they always have real hot friends too. The following list of personalities are BANNED from girls you date, bang, snog or whatever.

-Boffins. (Anyone who gets A's in class and is a teachers pet. I hate those girls)

-Anyone shorter than 5ft. (Midgets aren't cool. You don't want them stood on a stool to kiss you)

-Vegans. (Vegitarins I can deal with, Vegans, no way. Far too picky.)

-Anyone allergic to stupid things. (Allergies to like blu-tack, or Cola. Trust me, been there done that.)

-People with Glasses. (Look, or don't look if you need glasses... Glasses are dorky. No way.)

-Girls with braces (Trust me, that hurts when you snog them.)

-Anyone with a bra size a B and under. (Small tits? Where is the fun in that?)

-Poor kids. (You don't expect to pay for everything do you?)

-No one who looks like a turd. (Enough said.)

I think that's about it. Most guys can't handle it, saying "Oh but that's mean..." or "I don't want to hurt her feelings..." YOU ARE MEANT TO BE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS! GET A FUCKING GRIP! Now, I can't expect you to just go out and master this art before a demonstration. So, let me tell you about last Tuesday...

Last Tuesday...

Neo skateboarded through the school corridors without a care in the world as he usually does every Tuesday morning. Every morning in fact. He high-fived his mates and insulted the dorks as he flew through the corridor with the air flowing through his hazel hair. As his Headmaster strolled the hallways he saw young Neo as he does every morning.

"Jack Smith! Get off that skateboard!" He cried silencing the corridor, with the crowd of children waiting for Neo's usual come-back.

"Go and grow a pair Grandpa!" He shouted back, skidding around the corner. The headmaster hesistated and scoffed. He didn't bother punishing Neo, as it was more punishment for the teacher doing detention, or making him clean desks. Neo ruled the school. He jumped off his skateboard as he approached his locker. His locker was home to another skateboard, peoples lunch money, and several baseball caps. Neo shoved his skateboard in his locker and removed the other. He checked his hair through the mirror on his locker door and made sure his hat was on properly before leaving the safety of his corridor. Neo's corridor. No one else had locker on this corridor and no one walked through, as they knew Neo would hit them if he did. But that Tuesday, one girl did. That one girl who walked through his corridor. That one girl who winked at him as she walked pass.

"Oi! What do you think your doing in my corridor?" Neo power walked over to her. Her long brown hair dropping past her shoulders.

"Jeez, take a chill pill, I was just walking through. I got places to be. So if you don't mind." She tries to push past him but Neo stopped her.

"Do you know who I am?" He stared at her. Right into her sea blue eyes.

"Some fit kid who rules the school? I don't know your name exactly." She folded her arms and put her weight onto her left leg. Making her body move to one side.

"Some fit kid? Well you will be ready at 8 tonight where this fit kid is gonna come and get you for dinner. Got it?" He fixed his cap that he could slightly see was out of place in his mirror.

"I will be ready, if I want to be ready." She grabbed her bag and walked past Neo.

"Be ready bitch." His eyes squinted.

"Sure babe." She smiled and walked off.

You got it? Its not that hard. Unless your a pussy?


End file.
